When I was 11-years old and started going through puberty I also got acne. It's pretty normal. Almost all teenagers deal with acne. My acne wasn't severe, just annoying. My periods were always irregular. When I was 14, my mother took me to a gynecologist to find out about my irregular periods. Unfortunately, she took me to her MALE gynecologist. I was completely traumatized. My mother didn't really consider how it might affect me to have some strange man touching my lady parts. She had almost always been to male gynecologists and it never bothered her. My aunt was the gynecologist's medical assistant and I think she thought that would make me more comfortable. That wasn't the case. Not only did I have some strange man looking at my hoo-ha, but my aunt could see me too. I had mentioned to my mother once or twice in the past that taking me to a male gynecologist was really upsetting to me. I think she thought I was just being dramatic. It wasn't until a few years ago that I was like, no really Mom. I felt completely violated and I cried in my room the rest of the day. She apologized. I forgave her. We live and we learn.
A word of advice to all mothers of teenage daughters, please take your daughter to a FEMALE gynecologist for their first time. Going to the gynecologist is awkward enough without the additional trauma of having a man touching your private parts.
The gynecologist said it was normal for overweight people to have irregular periods and said they would probably regulate themselves as I got older. He was wrong.
When I was 18, my gynecologist (now a female) put me on Ortho Tri-Cyclen to help regulate my periods. A side effect of that birth control was that it gave me beautiful skin. Another side effect was that it made my hair fall out in handfuls. I think I'd rather have hair and deal with zits than lose my hair and have great skin. Hair loss is a very unusual side effect of birth control. My mother had the same problem when she took birth control. She lost a great deal of her hair while taking birth control. Her hair never thickened out after she quit birth control. Neither did mine. It's such a rare side effect, that it isn't even listed as a possible side effect on the inserts in most birth control pills. After losing way too much hair, I quit taking birth control. I decided I would rather have irregular periods and acne than lose all of my hair. Bald isn't a good look for me.
When I was 25, something weird started happening to me. I started getting a lot of acne on my neck and chin. I would get an occasional zit, but this was a full break out. I would try to cover it with makeup, but that never really works. I was really embarrassed by my skin. It's bad enough being fat, but then you add thin hair and zits, and your self-esteem gets completely obliterated. I tried all of the traditional store-bought acne remedies and none of them worked. Most of them made my breakouts worse.
When I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2001, my endocrinologist prescribed an acne medication for me. It helped prevent a lot of the breakouts, but you weren't supposed to take it if you were trying to get pregnant. I used it for a few months, but my desire to have a baby was greater than my desire to not have zits, so I quit using it.
In the last few years, my breakouts have lessened in severity. However, last month I had a horrendous breakout. Lots of really big zits on my neck and lower jaw (by the way, when you have breakouts like this, they are hormone related). I felt like I was a teenager again. I was so embarrassed by my skin.
PCOS is a real pain in the you-know-what some days. There is nothing like being a wife, a mother, and being almost 40-years old and having skin like you are 15-years old (and not in a good way). I haven't found any over-the-counter remedies that prevent the breakouts. However, I have found that if I have a bad breakout, if I steam my skin, wash it with hot water and soap, and then clean it with rubbing alcohol, it will help dry up the zits and help my skin clear up more quickly.
The really annoying thing is I take really good care of my skin. I clean it with Oil-of-Olay Daily Facials and I always put Oil-of-Olay Moisturizer on my face and neck. I'll be 40-years old in May and I don't have any wrinkles (not even crows feet around my eyes).
I still have acne though.
PCOS Awareness
Friday, February 27, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Things Kids Say
Parenting is always an adventure. Some days are great, and some days you want to pull your hair out. However, there is rarely a day that goes by when one of my children doesn't say or do something funny or heart warming. I've been compiling a list of my Facebook posts regarding funny or sweet things my kids have said or done. Here are some of my favorites.
12/13/2014
Jordan was learning to talk and he could already say, Mama, Dada, dog, bath, bear, and of course the go-to word, NO. He said his first sentence at bedtime tonight:
"Mama, no bed!" I was so excited that I didn't even mind that he was giving me a hard time.
8/29/2013
Jordan had a really bad cough and the doctor wouldn't give him anything for it. I was running a steam shower for him in the bathroom. Brennan came in to use the bathroom. It was really steamy and I watch him start rubbing his eyes and squinting. Finally, he says, "Mommy, there's something wrong with my eyes. I can't see." Then he tried wiping his eyeball with his hand.
10/4/2013
We had Brennan's 4th Birthday Party today. He had so much fun. As I was putting him to bed, he said, "Thank you Mommy, for my Happy Birthday party."
11/10/2013
We were taking the kids to the zoo and they were all so excited. Brennan says to Daddy, "We're going to see the animals and the assholegators!"
I think he needs a little more speech therapy.
12/8/2013
I put up the Christmas Tree today and every time Jordan looks at the tree he says, "Thank you, Mommy!"
That kid melts my heart.
10/10/2014
I'm getting ready to get in the shower and I hear Jordan singing on the baby monitor, "I'm having a bad, bad day. It's about time things go my way."
This kid is all about "Despicable Me" and the Minions.
1/9/2015
Jordan peed on the potty again this morning. And when I say, "on the potty", I mean no where near the actual bowl. He peed on the seat and the toilet lid. At one point he actually asked me to help him hold is pee-pee because he couldn't do it right. I told him he had to do it himself. The joys of potty training.
2/11/2015
We're watching "Bambi" and his mother was just shot by the hunter.
Jordan says, "Aww, he's sad." And then he goes back to playing. Meanwhile, Mommy is sitting here tearing up.
2/16/2015
My kids want to go play in the snow so badly. I'm really sick and want no part of being outside.
Jordan says, "Let's go play in the snow."
I reply, "I'm sorry, baby. Mommy is sick today and I can't go outside."
Jordan says, "Open your mouth." I oblige. He says, "Your mouth isn't broken so you're not sick. Let's go outside."
2/26/2015
Brennan has to ride a Special Needs bus because he is unable to stay in his seat due to his ADHD. This morning, while waiting for the bus in the warm car, Summer would not stay seated. She would not listen to Daddy at all.
Brennan looked at Daddy and said, "Maybe Summer needs to take the Special Bus too?"
While Potty-Training Brennan
Brennan is in the bathroom sitting on the potty. I'm getting Jordan changed for bed. Brennan yells from the bathroom, "Mommy, I can't pee!"
I reply, "Why not?"
Brennan says, "My pee-pee is too big!"
I respond, "Stop playing with it!" I had no idea little boys thought their penises are toys at such a young age. I thought that only happened beginning at puberty. LOL
Jordan Being Jordan
If Jordan is speaking to a specific parent and you try to answer on their behalf, Jordan will ALWAYS say, "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to _____!" It's funny and cute right now, but eventually I'll have to start to reprimand him for talking to us that way. LOL
I'm sure you have noticed that my daughter is not responsible for any of these funny sayings. She doesn't say too many of these gems. She really hasn't developed a sense of humor yet. I hope that comes in time. She has her own gifts though. She likes to "mother" my youngest, Jordan. She is also very bossy. I think she gets that from me. LOL
Kids also do really funny things. I don't always think it's funny at the time, but eventually it becomes amusing.
12/13/2014
Jordan was learning to talk and he could already say, Mama, Dada, dog, bath, bear, and of course the go-to word, NO. He said his first sentence at bedtime tonight:
"Mama, no bed!" I was so excited that I didn't even mind that he was giving me a hard time.
8/29/2013
Jordan had a really bad cough and the doctor wouldn't give him anything for it. I was running a steam shower for him in the bathroom. Brennan came in to use the bathroom. It was really steamy and I watch him start rubbing his eyes and squinting. Finally, he says, "Mommy, there's something wrong with my eyes. I can't see." Then he tried wiping his eyeball with his hand.
10/4/2013
We had Brennan's 4th Birthday Party today. He had so much fun. As I was putting him to bed, he said, "Thank you Mommy, for my Happy Birthday party."
11/10/2013
We were taking the kids to the zoo and they were all so excited. Brennan says to Daddy, "We're going to see the animals and the assholegators!"
I think he needs a little more speech therapy.
12/8/2013
I put up the Christmas Tree today and every time Jordan looks at the tree he says, "Thank you, Mommy!"
That kid melts my heart.
10/10/2014
I'm getting ready to get in the shower and I hear Jordan singing on the baby monitor, "I'm having a bad, bad day. It's about time things go my way."
This kid is all about "Despicable Me" and the Minions.
1/9/2015
Jordan peed on the potty again this morning. And when I say, "on the potty", I mean no where near the actual bowl. He peed on the seat and the toilet lid. At one point he actually asked me to help him hold is pee-pee because he couldn't do it right. I told him he had to do it himself. The joys of potty training.
2/11/2015
We're watching "Bambi" and his mother was just shot by the hunter.
Jordan says, "Aww, he's sad." And then he goes back to playing. Meanwhile, Mommy is sitting here tearing up.
2/16/2015
My kids want to go play in the snow so badly. I'm really sick and want no part of being outside.
Jordan says, "Let's go play in the snow."
I reply, "I'm sorry, baby. Mommy is sick today and I can't go outside."
Jordan says, "Open your mouth." I oblige. He says, "Your mouth isn't broken so you're not sick. Let's go outside."
2/26/2015
Brennan has to ride a Special Needs bus because he is unable to stay in his seat due to his ADHD. This morning, while waiting for the bus in the warm car, Summer would not stay seated. She would not listen to Daddy at all.
Brennan looked at Daddy and said, "Maybe Summer needs to take the Special Bus too?"
While Potty-Training Brennan
Brennan is in the bathroom sitting on the potty. I'm getting Jordan changed for bed. Brennan yells from the bathroom, "Mommy, I can't pee!"
I reply, "Why not?"
Brennan says, "My pee-pee is too big!"
I respond, "Stop playing with it!" I had no idea little boys thought their penises are toys at such a young age. I thought that only happened beginning at puberty. LOL
Jordan Being Jordan
If Jordan is speaking to a specific parent and you try to answer on their behalf, Jordan will ALWAYS say, "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to _____!" It's funny and cute right now, but eventually I'll have to start to reprimand him for talking to us that way. LOL
I'm sure you have noticed that my daughter is not responsible for any of these funny sayings. She doesn't say too many of these gems. She really hasn't developed a sense of humor yet. I hope that comes in time. She has her own gifts though. She likes to "mother" my youngest, Jordan. She is also very bossy. I think she gets that from me. LOL
Kids also do really funny things. I don't always think it's funny at the time, but eventually it becomes amusing.
The night the kids opened an entire box of Band-Aids while playing in their room.
The night Brennan decided to "hide" his toys in the toilet instead of putting them away.
The kids playing in the dirt on July 4th.
The day Jordan played in the muddy lake water.
The day Brennan "caught" a dead fish in the lake.
The day Summer refused to take a normal picture.
The day Daddy dressed Jordan for church.
Being a mother isn't easy, but it is such a blessing. I cherish these funny things they say and do. They grow up so fast. If you blink, you'll miss it. I don't want to miss any of it. I waited 12 years to become a mother.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Raising A Special Needs Child
There are lots of challenges for new moms. It was especially a challenge for me. I had a baby and 2 toddlers to care for. All 3 of them were in diapers. I don't think the children had ever had any sort of normal routine. Every nap time or bedtime was a fight. Getting my toddlers to try new foods was a fight. Jordan welcomed new foods as he had only had formula for the previous 8 months. It took us 3 days just to get Brennan to put a green bean in his mouth.
The children had never been in daycare before, so all of us were sick during the first 6 months of daycare. They caught every virus that came around the bend. Then they brought it home to us. Multiple stomach viruses, the flu, various colds, even one case of pink eye. At one point Jordan had a terrible cough that we just couldn't get rid of. He had to have breathing treatments multiple times a day for about a week. After having multiple colds and the flu, I ended up with pneumonia and spent 3 days in the hospital. My poor hubby was left to care for all 3 kids on his own. He also had to have my 16.5-year old poodle, Peppy, euthanized while I was in the hospital. It was a heartbreaking experience for both of us. I'll dedicate a whole blog post to Peppy on another occasion.
Eventually, the kids settled into a routine. We had (and still have) a lot of difficulties with Brennan. He is now 5-years old. He has severe ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), and Impulse Control Disorder (ICD). Every day is a challenge with Brennan. Some days are easier than others, but still challenging nonetheless. Brennan is a really sweet, loving child. He likes to gives hugs. He likes to laugh and play. He wants to please you, but sometimes he just can't control his behavior. It's frustrating for all of us as a family.
Brennan couldn't talk when we got him. He was about a month away from his 3rd birthday. I took him to a psychologist and we got him a speech therapist. We did flashcards every night. I made him attempt to say things before he could have it. The psychologist and speech therapist recommended that we get Brennan into pre-school. They could really help him catch up. He was very developmentally delayed due to the neglect he suffered at the hands of his biological father.
Getting Brennan signed up for school became a challenge in itself. In order to get him registered for Headstart, he had to have a physical, a hearing test, a dental exam, and a vision test. Brennan was talking a little better, but he still wasn't good at answering questions. He could say basic sentences, but his little sister could out talk him on any day. He did fine during his dental exam. We took him to his pediatricians office to do the physical, hearing, and vision tests. He wouldn't talk at all on the vision test. He was supposed to point to pictures for the hearing test and he wouldn't do that either. We took him to a local vision doctor and he wouldn't answer questions there either. We had to get him an appointment with a vision specialist. We also had to get him an appointment with a hearing specialist for children.
After Brennan saw the vision specialist, it was determined he had no problems with his vision.
Brennan was constantly sick. He constantly had a runny and/or stuffy nose. When we took him to the hearing specialist, he had so much fluid behind his eardrums that he couldn't hear well. They recommended we take him to an ENT doctor. The ENT doctor recommended he have his adenoids removed and tubes in his ears. We scheduled that surgery, which was successful.
He went back to the hearing specialist and they said his hearing was greatly improved and he had no hearing difficulties. I could tell the difference immediately following the surgery. Every little sound, Brennan would say, "What's that sound?"
All of these specialists and the surgery took months to complete. We started the process a month after he was in our home. It was almost a full year before we got all of the requirements for registration completed. We signed him up for Headstart in August 2013. At that time, they did not have any openings available for him.
In January 2014, I got a letter saying there was a spot for him at a nearby elementary school. He was really excited to start school. He still wasn't fully potty trained. He would go to the potty most of the time, but sometimes he wouldn't. He would decide that using the potty was too much of an inconvenience to his play time.
When Brennan started going to school, the full extent of his ADHD, SPD, and ICD was fully realized. Getting him to sit still long enough just to write his name was an impossibility. Getting him to comply with basic routines was an impossibility. He would also become very defiant with the teachers. At times, he would become so disruptive that I would have to go and get him from school.
Brennan was still seeing a therapist and I would tell her about the issues we were having at school. She was a nice person, but it was like she wasn't hearing me when I was telling her that I thought Brennan had ADHD. She seemed to focus mainly on his SPD. She would tell me why he did some of the things he did, but she didn't really give me any helpful suggestions on how to correct some of these behaviors. I was getting very frustrated. The teachers in Brennan's class were doing everything they could do to try and help us form strategies to help Brennan. However, Brennan's class had 2 autistic children in it. When you added Brennan to the mix, the two teachers and the classroom assistant had too many special needs children to deal with.
I went to Brennan's pediatrician to have him evaluated for ADHD. He met with a psychologist there for a few sessions for the evaluation. Even though they determined he had ADHD, they still would not give him medication.
This child literally cannot sit still or pay attention without medication. I didn't want him medicated just so he would be compliant, I wanted him to be able to do his school work. In Headstart, they don't spent huge amounts of time sitting still. They will do a lesson, then the children get to go play for a while, then they will do another, very interactive lesson, and then go play for a while. Brennan couldn't pay attention long enough to do any of the lessons.
After having many conversations with his teachers, they recommended a psychiatrist that had helped with one of the other children in his class. I made an appointment with the psychiatrist. After observing him and listening to me talk about the difficulties we were having with him at school and at home, she agreed that Brennan definitely needed medication. Although he was only 4, she was a bit confounded as to why the pediatrician wouldn't put him on any medication. She showed me in a book that Adderall is recommended for children as young as 3.
After a few days of his medications, I could see a huge difference. So could his teachers.
Brennan is very intelligent and learns quickly when he is able to pay attention. He is especially good at science and math. He enjoys learning and asks lots of questions. However, he still has a lot of issues. Because of his ICD, he does things without thinking about them. He does pretty well at school, but he still has problems sitting still on the bus. He will be riding the special needs bus beginning this week. He will have to wear a harness and be strapped in to ensure his safety on the bus. The mornings and the evenings are the most difficult times for Brennan.
Brennan requires many verbal and visual queues to stay on task. I'll have to say no fewer than ten times every morning, "Brennan, put your clothes on." It's enough to drive a person crazy. Around 5:30 pm is when his ADHD medication seems to wear off. The children eat dinner at 6 pm and before we have dinner, they are required to put all of their toys away. This is when we begin the "Brennan, put your toys away." game. It's no fun for Mommy, let me tell you. He will start picking up toys, then he will start playing with the toys and forget what he is supposed to be doing.
Brennan gets easily over-stimulated if there is a lot of activity going on around him. Once he is wound up, it is really difficult to get him back down.
Brennan also has a tendency to destroy things. Before we got the children, we had painted the bedroom a nice, happy, yellow color. Near Brennan's bed, he peeled all of the paint off the walls. He was constantly ripping holes in the knees of his pajamas and pants. He also pulls strings out of his socks and blankets. Eventually, I have to throw them away. He has a fascination with the window blinds in his bedroom. The shade is a darkening, roll-up style shade. He has pulled it off the roller multiple times. He has ripped a hole in the blinds and then he likes to play with the single spot of sunlight during his nap time. He has ripped all of the stitching out of the bottom of the blind.
You can lecture, punish, reward for good behavior, or try ignoring these behaviors. It doesn't matter. I have tried everything I know to do and he still does many of these things. It's just part of who he is. I've read up on SPD, and they believe it can be a result of drug abuse by the mother, which is true in Brennan's case.
Brennan speaks fairly well now, but he still has problems with dropping consonants off the beginning of words. For instance, instead of costume, he says "ostume" and instead of needs he says "eeds." They are in the process of re-evaluating his speech at school to determine if he will need to receive additional speech therapy. My daughter (4) and my other son (3) speak much more clearly than Brennan. He's still trying to catch up for 3 years of neglect. My daughter and younger son had less time in that negative environment. Summer and Jordan are developing normally and don't seem to have any lingering issues from the biological mother's drug abuse or the neglectful atmosphere of the biological father.
I can't be sure how much Brennan and Summer even remember about their biological father. Brennan couldn't speak, so he didn't have the language skills to even talk about what he experienced. Summer was speaking, but it was limited. She was only 19-months old. Jordan was still a baby and he only spent 1 month in his biological father's home. In the beginning, the children never asked for their father. They never cried for him. When they had a supervised visit with him after not seeing him for almost a year, they didn't even seem to recognize him. They didn't want to go in the room with him and the social worker. I had to coax them in the room with toys. After the visit, Brennan asked me, "Mommy, do we have the see that guy again?" I told him I didn't know. Fortunately, they never had another visit. None of the kids ever asked about "that guy" again.
I don't want to seem like I'm whining about having a special needs child. I love Brennan very much. He is my son. However, raising a child with special needs is never easy. It can be so stressful and frustrating at times. My best friend has a daughter that has Oppositional Defiance Disorder along with some anxiety issues. We use one another as a sounding board to talk about the difficulties we have with our children. People who don't have children with special needs just don't understand. Every day is a struggle. Some days I feel like all I do is correct Brennan. I often feel like Summer and Jordan may not be getting as much attention as Brennan. I also feel like too much of the attention I give Brennan is negative. It is a balancing act to have a child with special needs. I want my children to grow up in a positive environment. I also want them to have structure, be polite, and respect others.
I'm very blessed to have these children in my life. I know that God wanted my husband and I to be the parents of these children. He has entrusted me with loving them and caring for them and I take this job very seriously. I'm not a perfect mother, but no mother is. The most important thing is my children know I love them. I tell them every day. No matter what else happens, they will know they are loved.
The children had never been in daycare before, so all of us were sick during the first 6 months of daycare. They caught every virus that came around the bend. Then they brought it home to us. Multiple stomach viruses, the flu, various colds, even one case of pink eye. At one point Jordan had a terrible cough that we just couldn't get rid of. He had to have breathing treatments multiple times a day for about a week. After having multiple colds and the flu, I ended up with pneumonia and spent 3 days in the hospital. My poor hubby was left to care for all 3 kids on his own. He also had to have my 16.5-year old poodle, Peppy, euthanized while I was in the hospital. It was a heartbreaking experience for both of us. I'll dedicate a whole blog post to Peppy on another occasion.
Eventually, the kids settled into a routine. We had (and still have) a lot of difficulties with Brennan. He is now 5-years old. He has severe ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), and Impulse Control Disorder (ICD). Every day is a challenge with Brennan. Some days are easier than others, but still challenging nonetheless. Brennan is a really sweet, loving child. He likes to gives hugs. He likes to laugh and play. He wants to please you, but sometimes he just can't control his behavior. It's frustrating for all of us as a family.
Brennan couldn't talk when we got him. He was about a month away from his 3rd birthday. I took him to a psychologist and we got him a speech therapist. We did flashcards every night. I made him attempt to say things before he could have it. The psychologist and speech therapist recommended that we get Brennan into pre-school. They could really help him catch up. He was very developmentally delayed due to the neglect he suffered at the hands of his biological father.
Getting Brennan signed up for school became a challenge in itself. In order to get him registered for Headstart, he had to have a physical, a hearing test, a dental exam, and a vision test. Brennan was talking a little better, but he still wasn't good at answering questions. He could say basic sentences, but his little sister could out talk him on any day. He did fine during his dental exam. We took him to his pediatricians office to do the physical, hearing, and vision tests. He wouldn't talk at all on the vision test. He was supposed to point to pictures for the hearing test and he wouldn't do that either. We took him to a local vision doctor and he wouldn't answer questions there either. We had to get him an appointment with a vision specialist. We also had to get him an appointment with a hearing specialist for children.
After Brennan saw the vision specialist, it was determined he had no problems with his vision.
Brennan was constantly sick. He constantly had a runny and/or stuffy nose. When we took him to the hearing specialist, he had so much fluid behind his eardrums that he couldn't hear well. They recommended we take him to an ENT doctor. The ENT doctor recommended he have his adenoids removed and tubes in his ears. We scheduled that surgery, which was successful.
He went back to the hearing specialist and they said his hearing was greatly improved and he had no hearing difficulties. I could tell the difference immediately following the surgery. Every little sound, Brennan would say, "What's that sound?"
All of these specialists and the surgery took months to complete. We started the process a month after he was in our home. It was almost a full year before we got all of the requirements for registration completed. We signed him up for Headstart in August 2013. At that time, they did not have any openings available for him.
In January 2014, I got a letter saying there was a spot for him at a nearby elementary school. He was really excited to start school. He still wasn't fully potty trained. He would go to the potty most of the time, but sometimes he wouldn't. He would decide that using the potty was too much of an inconvenience to his play time.
When Brennan started going to school, the full extent of his ADHD, SPD, and ICD was fully realized. Getting him to sit still long enough just to write his name was an impossibility. Getting him to comply with basic routines was an impossibility. He would also become very defiant with the teachers. At times, he would become so disruptive that I would have to go and get him from school.
Brennan was still seeing a therapist and I would tell her about the issues we were having at school. She was a nice person, but it was like she wasn't hearing me when I was telling her that I thought Brennan had ADHD. She seemed to focus mainly on his SPD. She would tell me why he did some of the things he did, but she didn't really give me any helpful suggestions on how to correct some of these behaviors. I was getting very frustrated. The teachers in Brennan's class were doing everything they could do to try and help us form strategies to help Brennan. However, Brennan's class had 2 autistic children in it. When you added Brennan to the mix, the two teachers and the classroom assistant had too many special needs children to deal with.
I went to Brennan's pediatrician to have him evaluated for ADHD. He met with a psychologist there for a few sessions for the evaluation. Even though they determined he had ADHD, they still would not give him medication.
This child literally cannot sit still or pay attention without medication. I didn't want him medicated just so he would be compliant, I wanted him to be able to do his school work. In Headstart, they don't spent huge amounts of time sitting still. They will do a lesson, then the children get to go play for a while, then they will do another, very interactive lesson, and then go play for a while. Brennan couldn't pay attention long enough to do any of the lessons.
After having many conversations with his teachers, they recommended a psychiatrist that had helped with one of the other children in his class. I made an appointment with the psychiatrist. After observing him and listening to me talk about the difficulties we were having with him at school and at home, she agreed that Brennan definitely needed medication. Although he was only 4, she was a bit confounded as to why the pediatrician wouldn't put him on any medication. She showed me in a book that Adderall is recommended for children as young as 3.
After a few days of his medications, I could see a huge difference. So could his teachers.
Brennan is very intelligent and learns quickly when he is able to pay attention. He is especially good at science and math. He enjoys learning and asks lots of questions. However, he still has a lot of issues. Because of his ICD, he does things without thinking about them. He does pretty well at school, but he still has problems sitting still on the bus. He will be riding the special needs bus beginning this week. He will have to wear a harness and be strapped in to ensure his safety on the bus. The mornings and the evenings are the most difficult times for Brennan.
Brennan requires many verbal and visual queues to stay on task. I'll have to say no fewer than ten times every morning, "Brennan, put your clothes on." It's enough to drive a person crazy. Around 5:30 pm is when his ADHD medication seems to wear off. The children eat dinner at 6 pm and before we have dinner, they are required to put all of their toys away. This is when we begin the "Brennan, put your toys away." game. It's no fun for Mommy, let me tell you. He will start picking up toys, then he will start playing with the toys and forget what he is supposed to be doing.
Brennan gets easily over-stimulated if there is a lot of activity going on around him. Once he is wound up, it is really difficult to get him back down.
Brennan also has a tendency to destroy things. Before we got the children, we had painted the bedroom a nice, happy, yellow color. Near Brennan's bed, he peeled all of the paint off the walls. He was constantly ripping holes in the knees of his pajamas and pants. He also pulls strings out of his socks and blankets. Eventually, I have to throw them away. He has a fascination with the window blinds in his bedroom. The shade is a darkening, roll-up style shade. He has pulled it off the roller multiple times. He has ripped a hole in the blinds and then he likes to play with the single spot of sunlight during his nap time. He has ripped all of the stitching out of the bottom of the blind.
You can lecture, punish, reward for good behavior, or try ignoring these behaviors. It doesn't matter. I have tried everything I know to do and he still does many of these things. It's just part of who he is. I've read up on SPD, and they believe it can be a result of drug abuse by the mother, which is true in Brennan's case.
Brennan speaks fairly well now, but he still has problems with dropping consonants off the beginning of words. For instance, instead of costume, he says "ostume" and instead of needs he says "eeds." They are in the process of re-evaluating his speech at school to determine if he will need to receive additional speech therapy. My daughter (4) and my other son (3) speak much more clearly than Brennan. He's still trying to catch up for 3 years of neglect. My daughter and younger son had less time in that negative environment. Summer and Jordan are developing normally and don't seem to have any lingering issues from the biological mother's drug abuse or the neglectful atmosphere of the biological father.
I can't be sure how much Brennan and Summer even remember about their biological father. Brennan couldn't speak, so he didn't have the language skills to even talk about what he experienced. Summer was speaking, but it was limited. She was only 19-months old. Jordan was still a baby and he only spent 1 month in his biological father's home. In the beginning, the children never asked for their father. They never cried for him. When they had a supervised visit with him after not seeing him for almost a year, they didn't even seem to recognize him. They didn't want to go in the room with him and the social worker. I had to coax them in the room with toys. After the visit, Brennan asked me, "Mommy, do we have the see that guy again?" I told him I didn't know. Fortunately, they never had another visit. None of the kids ever asked about "that guy" again.
I don't want to seem like I'm whining about having a special needs child. I love Brennan very much. He is my son. However, raising a child with special needs is never easy. It can be so stressful and frustrating at times. My best friend has a daughter that has Oppositional Defiance Disorder along with some anxiety issues. We use one another as a sounding board to talk about the difficulties we have with our children. People who don't have children with special needs just don't understand. Every day is a struggle. Some days I feel like all I do is correct Brennan. I often feel like Summer and Jordan may not be getting as much attention as Brennan. I also feel like too much of the attention I give Brennan is negative. It is a balancing act to have a child with special needs. I want my children to grow up in a positive environment. I also want them to have structure, be polite, and respect others.
I'm very blessed to have these children in my life. I know that God wanted my husband and I to be the parents of these children. He has entrusted me with loving them and caring for them and I take this job very seriously. I'm not a perfect mother, but no mother is. The most important thing is my children know I love them. I tell them every day. No matter what else happens, they will know they are loved.
Summer (4), Jordan (3), and Brennan (5)
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Foster Care
Being a Foster Parent is both rewarding and challenging. Especially when you intend to adopt the children you are fostering.
We had to comply with all of the regulations required to be a foster home. They aren't too challenging and they are just designed to keep the children as safe as possible. Basic things like having a carbon monoxide and smoke detector, fire extinguishers, first aid kid, and a lock box for all medications.
Each month we would meet with two social workers. One social worker represents the children and ensures that they are in a safe home. They make sure the children are healthy and get any required medical or psychological treatments they need. The other social worker represents the foster parents. They make sure we get the things we need to help care for the children. We also had to make sure we take the required amount of training every year. Some of it was in the form of seminars and some of it was online courses.
They try to give the biological parents every opportunity to get their children back. This is a scary process for foster parents who want to adopt.
My children were not allowed to have any contact with their biological mother because they were all born with narcotics in their system. She had never made any concerted effort to get off the drugs, so we didn't worry much about her trying to get the children back. The biological father was a different story.
Summer and Brennan had been raised by the biological father. Jordan was raised in foster care until he was 7 months old, at which time he was placed in the biological father's home. When the social worker went back a month later to follow-up on Jordan, they determined none of the children should be with the biological father. That is how they ended up in my care.
The biological father was given weekly, supervised, one-hour visits for about 6 weeks. Then he failed his drug test. The social worker couldn't even track him down to contact him for several months. Then he popped back into the picture. It seems like he was going to try and make and effort again. This was a terrifying time for me. I was already in love with these children. He actually got himself cleaned up enough to get a supervised visit again in 2013. Then he failed his next drug test and the visits were suspended. The state determined that he had been given ample opportunity to get himself cleaned up and take the required classes and he had failed to do so. We were required to attend what they call a "Facilitated Staffing" meeting. We meet with representatives from the state, our social worker, the children's social worker, the biological parent(s), and their representative. That is when the state makes the determination to try to continue reunification or to move forward with Terminating Parental Rights.
It's such an awkward experience. You are sitting at a table with the biological father of your children all the while knowing you will do everything in your power to make sure they are never reunited with him. During this meeting, he stated that his sister would now be willing to take the children.
Before the children were placed in foster care, they had contacted the children's immediate family members to see if any of them would be willing to care for the children. No one stepped up at that time. I was terrified that after having the children in my home for almost a year, the aunt would now get them back.
The children's social worker reassured me after the meeting that it was very unlikely to happen. The state tries to prevent the children from being bounced from home to home. They had been in our home for approximately a year at that time and they were thriving. It would be to their detriment to move them.
Still, I worried and prayed. The aunt filed a petition to get the children back. Fortunately, the Judge didn't think it would benefit the children and her request was denied.
It took about 6 months to get the TPR hearing scheduled. It was a nerve-racking time. The day of the hearing I was nervous and excited. If the biological parents rights were terminated, we could start the adoption process. My husband and I didn't get to see the entire hearing. I was called as a witness to talk about the children's physical and mental conditions when they came to my home and to talk about their progress. The biological mother decided to sign away her parental rights. She knew she wasn't capable of caring for the children. The biological father was a different story. He wanted to proceed with the hearing. I had hoped he would decided to sign away his rights, but that didn't happen.
It took almost 2 months before we learned the Judge's decision. Finally, in February 2014, we received word that the biological father's rights had been terminated. We breathed a sigh of relief. We were heading down the homestretch. The children were now assigned an Adoption social worker instead of a Foster Care social worker. The adoption worker had to do a complete write-up on the history of each child and discuss our suitability for adoption. Some workers can do this very quickly. Unfortunately, we got a worker that was notoriously slow at getting this step completed. I spoke to our social worker and she knew of adoption workers that could get the write-up completed in a couple of weeks and get the adoption hearing scheduled within a month. When I told her the name of our worker, she said that probably wouldn't happen for us. She was right.
We were assigned the adoption worker in February. The adoption hearing wasn't scheduled until July.
July 24, 2014
The most important day of my life. The day of the adoption hearing I was nervous and excited. I could invite friends and family to attend. My parents, my sister, and my best friend attending the hearing with us. The judge asked a few basic questions about our desire to adopt the children and what we wanted their names to be. We kept the children's first names the same, but changed their middle and last names. When the judge declared that we were now the parents of Brennan, Summer, and Jordan, I burst into tears.
Almost 2 years of stress, worry, social workers, training, meetings, court hearings, it was over. All of it was over. They were MY CHILDREN. Nothing could change that now.
Sometimes it still seems surreal to me. My husband and I began the journey to parenthood in 2000. After trying to have our own child for 9 long years, we decide to look into adoption. The children came into our home on August 30, 2012 and they were adopted into our family on July 24, 2014. I love writing my children's name and they have my last name. I love being able to say, "my son" or my daughter" and know I don't have to preface it with "foster." Some days I am still in awe when my children call me "mommy" and I know it's true, and it's forever.
We had treated the children as though they were ours from the first day they entered our home. They called us "Mommy" and "Daddy." My family and friends accepted them as family immediately. It was such a blessing to have so much support during this process.
Throughout this process, I think God was teaching me patience. I've always been a very impatient person, especially when it comes to something exciting or important that I'm waiting on.
I know that not every Foster Care story has a happy ending. I know that this process is long and difficult. But in the end, it was worth it to me. There are thousands of children in Foster Care right now, many of whom are waiting for a home.
If you struggle with infertility, please consider adoption. I know we all dream about being pregnant and giving birth to our own, biological children. However, I speak from experience, when I tell you that in the end, it will not matter. My children may not share my DNA, but they own my heart.
We had to comply with all of the regulations required to be a foster home. They aren't too challenging and they are just designed to keep the children as safe as possible. Basic things like having a carbon monoxide and smoke detector, fire extinguishers, first aid kid, and a lock box for all medications.
Each month we would meet with two social workers. One social worker represents the children and ensures that they are in a safe home. They make sure the children are healthy and get any required medical or psychological treatments they need. The other social worker represents the foster parents. They make sure we get the things we need to help care for the children. We also had to make sure we take the required amount of training every year. Some of it was in the form of seminars and some of it was online courses.
They try to give the biological parents every opportunity to get their children back. This is a scary process for foster parents who want to adopt.
My children were not allowed to have any contact with their biological mother because they were all born with narcotics in their system. She had never made any concerted effort to get off the drugs, so we didn't worry much about her trying to get the children back. The biological father was a different story.
Summer and Brennan had been raised by the biological father. Jordan was raised in foster care until he was 7 months old, at which time he was placed in the biological father's home. When the social worker went back a month later to follow-up on Jordan, they determined none of the children should be with the biological father. That is how they ended up in my care.
The biological father was given weekly, supervised, one-hour visits for about 6 weeks. Then he failed his drug test. The social worker couldn't even track him down to contact him for several months. Then he popped back into the picture. It seems like he was going to try and make and effort again. This was a terrifying time for me. I was already in love with these children. He actually got himself cleaned up enough to get a supervised visit again in 2013. Then he failed his next drug test and the visits were suspended. The state determined that he had been given ample opportunity to get himself cleaned up and take the required classes and he had failed to do so. We were required to attend what they call a "Facilitated Staffing" meeting. We meet with representatives from the state, our social worker, the children's social worker, the biological parent(s), and their representative. That is when the state makes the determination to try to continue reunification or to move forward with Terminating Parental Rights.
It's such an awkward experience. You are sitting at a table with the biological father of your children all the while knowing you will do everything in your power to make sure they are never reunited with him. During this meeting, he stated that his sister would now be willing to take the children.
Before the children were placed in foster care, they had contacted the children's immediate family members to see if any of them would be willing to care for the children. No one stepped up at that time. I was terrified that after having the children in my home for almost a year, the aunt would now get them back.
The children's social worker reassured me after the meeting that it was very unlikely to happen. The state tries to prevent the children from being bounced from home to home. They had been in our home for approximately a year at that time and they were thriving. It would be to their detriment to move them.
Still, I worried and prayed. The aunt filed a petition to get the children back. Fortunately, the Judge didn't think it would benefit the children and her request was denied.
It took about 6 months to get the TPR hearing scheduled. It was a nerve-racking time. The day of the hearing I was nervous and excited. If the biological parents rights were terminated, we could start the adoption process. My husband and I didn't get to see the entire hearing. I was called as a witness to talk about the children's physical and mental conditions when they came to my home and to talk about their progress. The biological mother decided to sign away her parental rights. She knew she wasn't capable of caring for the children. The biological father was a different story. He wanted to proceed with the hearing. I had hoped he would decided to sign away his rights, but that didn't happen.
It took almost 2 months before we learned the Judge's decision. Finally, in February 2014, we received word that the biological father's rights had been terminated. We breathed a sigh of relief. We were heading down the homestretch. The children were now assigned an Adoption social worker instead of a Foster Care social worker. The adoption worker had to do a complete write-up on the history of each child and discuss our suitability for adoption. Some workers can do this very quickly. Unfortunately, we got a worker that was notoriously slow at getting this step completed. I spoke to our social worker and she knew of adoption workers that could get the write-up completed in a couple of weeks and get the adoption hearing scheduled within a month. When I told her the name of our worker, she said that probably wouldn't happen for us. She was right.
We were assigned the adoption worker in February. The adoption hearing wasn't scheduled until July.
July 24, 2014
The most important day of my life. The day of the adoption hearing I was nervous and excited. I could invite friends and family to attend. My parents, my sister, and my best friend attending the hearing with us. The judge asked a few basic questions about our desire to adopt the children and what we wanted their names to be. We kept the children's first names the same, but changed their middle and last names. When the judge declared that we were now the parents of Brennan, Summer, and Jordan, I burst into tears.
Almost 2 years of stress, worry, social workers, training, meetings, court hearings, it was over. All of it was over. They were MY CHILDREN. Nothing could change that now.
Sometimes it still seems surreal to me. My husband and I began the journey to parenthood in 2000. After trying to have our own child for 9 long years, we decide to look into adoption. The children came into our home on August 30, 2012 and they were adopted into our family on July 24, 2014. I love writing my children's name and they have my last name. I love being able to say, "my son" or my daughter" and know I don't have to preface it with "foster." Some days I am still in awe when my children call me "mommy" and I know it's true, and it's forever.
We had treated the children as though they were ours from the first day they entered our home. They called us "Mommy" and "Daddy." My family and friends accepted them as family immediately. It was such a blessing to have so much support during this process.
Throughout this process, I think God was teaching me patience. I've always been a very impatient person, especially when it comes to something exciting or important that I'm waiting on.
I know that not every Foster Care story has a happy ending. I know that this process is long and difficult. But in the end, it was worth it to me. There are thousands of children in Foster Care right now, many of whom are waiting for a home.
If you struggle with infertility, please consider adoption. I know we all dream about being pregnant and giving birth to our own, biological children. However, I speak from experience, when I tell you that in the end, it will not matter. My children may not share my DNA, but they own my heart.
Judge Barry, Cameron, Brennan, Summer, Me, Jordan
Thursday, February 12, 2015
A Life-Changing Event
I've taken care of kids for most of my life. When I was 9, I started helping with my sister while my parents worked. I would make dinner for her, help her with her homework, and make sure she got her bath. When I was a teenager, I would babysit a lot of my younger cousins. When I was 17, I moved in with my aunt for a while to help care for her baby while she went to nursing school and worked full time. When I was in college, I worked for the YMCA Child Development Center. I spent my days with children aged 5 to fourteen. After my niece and nephew were born, I would babysit for my sister. I thought I was pretty well prepared to deal with anything that came my way. I was probably better prepared than most, but still not as prepared as I thought I was when my children first arrive in my home through foster care.
Brennan was almost 3-years old. He was in diapers and he couldn't say but 4 words; sissy, eat, hot, and moo (for moon). Summer was 19-months old. She was in diapers, but she could speak fairly well. Jordan was 8-months old. He was very little for his age. He had only been bottle fed from birth. He had never had baby food before. Brennan and Jordan had some sort of skin infection.
The first few weeks were the most difficult.
THURSDAY - 8/30/2012
We brought the kids in from the social workers car. The only items they had with them was a Kroger bag with one outfit each (which were completely smoke-saturated and had to be washed immediately), one bottle for Jordan, and half a can of formula. We made the kids spaghetti for dinner. After dinner, we gave them a bath. I gave Jordan a bottle and put him in the baby bed. He went to sleep pretty easily. Obviously, we didn't have time to assemble the other baby beds that evening, so we put Brennan on the sofa, and Summer on the love seat. I don't think they had ever had a regular bedtime. We had to fight with Brennan all night just to keep him laying down. He screamed and fought us the whole time. Cameron stayed in the living room with them all night.
FRIDAY
Cameron went to Walmart and grabbed a few things we forgot in our rush. He also got the kids a few extra outfits now that we had some idea of their sizes. Jordan was 8-months old, but he was so tiny. He was wearing 3-month clothing. Brennan and Summer were also a little small for their ages. I spent most of the day trying to arrange childcare for the kids on Monday. Through a friend, I was able to get Jordan and Summer into a Christian daycare not too far from my house. They didn't have a spot for Brennan, so I had to find another daycare for him. The daycare I found for Brennan didn't have a spot for Jordan. I just couldn't find a daycare that could take all 3 of them on such short notice. The daycare that Brennan was going to was just down the street from Summer and Jordan's daycare, so it wasn't too difficult to manage. Another battle ensued that evening at bedtime.
SATURDAY, SUNDAY, & MONDAY
Cameron spent most of the day on Saturday in the kids' bedroom assembling beds. We had lots of visitors. All of my family and friends wanted to meet the kids. We also had several friends and family members donate clothing to us since we had so little for the kids. Everyone really stepped up and helped us out. They were such a blessing to us and we were so thankful.
TUESDAY
We got the kids registered at their daycares and we went back to work. The state had given us a clothing voucher for each child. It turns out that very few stores will actually take these vouchers. We had called around and Kohl's said they took them. We went to Kohl's with all the kids in tow and filled our cart with clothes for the 3 of them. We went to customer service to pay for the clothes with the vouchers. After lots of confusion and conversations with an assistant manager, a manager, and a regional manager, we found that Kohl's actually couldn't take the voucher. Basically, we wasted about 2 hours at Kohl's. The only other place I found that would take the vouchers was a K-Mart near my work. During my lunch break I decided to run to K-Mart and get the kids some clothes with the vouchers. As I was shopping, I got a call from the daycare. They wanted me to come and get Summer because she had head lice. Great! I hurried and finished my shopping, grabbed some lice shampoo while I was there, and ran to the daycare to get the kids. We treated them all that evening, washed every linen in the house, took all of the stuffed animals and sprayed them and put them in a plastic bag, and treated ourselves for good measure.
It took almost a month before we were fully rid of the lice. I was treating the whole family about once a week. The kids were getting transported from daycare once a week to have a one-hour, supervised visit with their biological father. I think they were catching the lice from either their bio-dad or the car seats in the social worker's car. I'm not sure which. I got really tired of lice shampoo, lice combs, and lice spray. Summer's hair was past her shoulders. We cut her hair to a fairly short bob just to help deal with the lice problem. It nearly drove me crazy.
Naptimes and bedtimes were a huge struggle with Brennan. I don't think the kids had ever seen a green vegetable. We had a 3-day standoff with Brennan over green beans. He wouldn't even put one in his mouth. We started giving Jordan baby food and he loved it! I was also giving him cereal in his bottle to help him sleep better at night. We started working with Brennan with flash cards to help him talk. I wouldn't give him things unless he at least tried to say it first. We also took him to a therapist for evaluation.
After a few months of evaluation, it was determined that Brennan has Sensory Processing Disorder. He can be very sensitive to sounds, smells, tastes, textures, and touches. For the first month or so, we tried to create a strict routine for them so that the kids always knew what was coming next. We had Jordan and Summer evaluated and they appeared to be developing normally for their ages. However, Brennan was developmentally delayed due to the neglect they suffered at the hands of the biological father.
Brennan would have huge meltdowns from time to time. He would throw tantrums of epic proportions. One day, the kids were napping so I decided to take a shower. Brennan woke up before I was finished with my shower and called for me. I didn't hear him and come right away, so he lost it. He took off all of his clothes, including a poop-filled diaper, and threw them on the floor. He stripped the sheet and blanket out of his crib and threw them on the floor as well. Then he intentionally peed all over the place, all the while screaming and jumping up and down. These types of tantrums from him were pretty common in the beginning. If we took him to a kid's birthday party, he would get completely overstimulated and have a complete meltdown when it was time to leave. His speech was improving, but his little sister was still miles ahead of him in terms of verbal communication.
Initially, everything was a fight with Brennan. I don't think he had ever had any real structure in his life. I don't think anyone was paying attention to them. I noticed that if Summer got upset and started to cry, Brennan would try to make her laugh. If Brennan got upset, Summer would come and give him a hug. They had learned to comfort one another.
All 3 of my children were born with narcotics in their system. Jordan was actually born addicted to narcotics and spent 12 days in the hospital. Summer was born in a car on the way to the hospital. The biological mother could not be around the children because of her drug problem, so the children were placed in the care of their father. Jordan was put in Foster Care when he left the hospital because they weren't certain if he had the same biological father.
When Jordan was 7 months old they finally did a paternity test and determined he had the same father. At that time, Jordan was place in the home with his siblings and biological father. When the social worker came to do a follow-up about a month later, they determined that the biological father was not suitable for any of the children. That is how they came to be in my care.
Brennan was almost 3-years old. He was in diapers and he couldn't say but 4 words; sissy, eat, hot, and moo (for moon). Summer was 19-months old. She was in diapers, but she could speak fairly well. Jordan was 8-months old. He was very little for his age. He had only been bottle fed from birth. He had never had baby food before. Brennan and Jordan had some sort of skin infection.
The first few weeks were the most difficult.
THURSDAY - 8/30/2012
We brought the kids in from the social workers car. The only items they had with them was a Kroger bag with one outfit each (which were completely smoke-saturated and had to be washed immediately), one bottle for Jordan, and half a can of formula. We made the kids spaghetti for dinner. After dinner, we gave them a bath. I gave Jordan a bottle and put him in the baby bed. He went to sleep pretty easily. Obviously, we didn't have time to assemble the other baby beds that evening, so we put Brennan on the sofa, and Summer on the love seat. I don't think they had ever had a regular bedtime. We had to fight with Brennan all night just to keep him laying down. He screamed and fought us the whole time. Cameron stayed in the living room with them all night.
FRIDAY
Cameron went to Walmart and grabbed a few things we forgot in our rush. He also got the kids a few extra outfits now that we had some idea of their sizes. Jordan was 8-months old, but he was so tiny. He was wearing 3-month clothing. Brennan and Summer were also a little small for their ages. I spent most of the day trying to arrange childcare for the kids on Monday. Through a friend, I was able to get Jordan and Summer into a Christian daycare not too far from my house. They didn't have a spot for Brennan, so I had to find another daycare for him. The daycare I found for Brennan didn't have a spot for Jordan. I just couldn't find a daycare that could take all 3 of them on such short notice. The daycare that Brennan was going to was just down the street from Summer and Jordan's daycare, so it wasn't too difficult to manage. Another battle ensued that evening at bedtime.
SATURDAY, SUNDAY, & MONDAY
Cameron spent most of the day on Saturday in the kids' bedroom assembling beds. We had lots of visitors. All of my family and friends wanted to meet the kids. We also had several friends and family members donate clothing to us since we had so little for the kids. Everyone really stepped up and helped us out. They were such a blessing to us and we were so thankful.
TUESDAY
We got the kids registered at their daycares and we went back to work. The state had given us a clothing voucher for each child. It turns out that very few stores will actually take these vouchers. We had called around and Kohl's said they took them. We went to Kohl's with all the kids in tow and filled our cart with clothes for the 3 of them. We went to customer service to pay for the clothes with the vouchers. After lots of confusion and conversations with an assistant manager, a manager, and a regional manager, we found that Kohl's actually couldn't take the voucher. Basically, we wasted about 2 hours at Kohl's. The only other place I found that would take the vouchers was a K-Mart near my work. During my lunch break I decided to run to K-Mart and get the kids some clothes with the vouchers. As I was shopping, I got a call from the daycare. They wanted me to come and get Summer because she had head lice. Great! I hurried and finished my shopping, grabbed some lice shampoo while I was there, and ran to the daycare to get the kids. We treated them all that evening, washed every linen in the house, took all of the stuffed animals and sprayed them and put them in a plastic bag, and treated ourselves for good measure.
It took almost a month before we were fully rid of the lice. I was treating the whole family about once a week. The kids were getting transported from daycare once a week to have a one-hour, supervised visit with their biological father. I think they were catching the lice from either their bio-dad or the car seats in the social worker's car. I'm not sure which. I got really tired of lice shampoo, lice combs, and lice spray. Summer's hair was past her shoulders. We cut her hair to a fairly short bob just to help deal with the lice problem. It nearly drove me crazy.
Naptimes and bedtimes were a huge struggle with Brennan. I don't think the kids had ever seen a green vegetable. We had a 3-day standoff with Brennan over green beans. He wouldn't even put one in his mouth. We started giving Jordan baby food and he loved it! I was also giving him cereal in his bottle to help him sleep better at night. We started working with Brennan with flash cards to help him talk. I wouldn't give him things unless he at least tried to say it first. We also took him to a therapist for evaluation.
After a few months of evaluation, it was determined that Brennan has Sensory Processing Disorder. He can be very sensitive to sounds, smells, tastes, textures, and touches. For the first month or so, we tried to create a strict routine for them so that the kids always knew what was coming next. We had Jordan and Summer evaluated and they appeared to be developing normally for their ages. However, Brennan was developmentally delayed due to the neglect they suffered at the hands of the biological father.
Brennan would have huge meltdowns from time to time. He would throw tantrums of epic proportions. One day, the kids were napping so I decided to take a shower. Brennan woke up before I was finished with my shower and called for me. I didn't hear him and come right away, so he lost it. He took off all of his clothes, including a poop-filled diaper, and threw them on the floor. He stripped the sheet and blanket out of his crib and threw them on the floor as well. Then he intentionally peed all over the place, all the while screaming and jumping up and down. These types of tantrums from him were pretty common in the beginning. If we took him to a kid's birthday party, he would get completely overstimulated and have a complete meltdown when it was time to leave. His speech was improving, but his little sister was still miles ahead of him in terms of verbal communication.
Initially, everything was a fight with Brennan. I don't think he had ever had any real structure in his life. I don't think anyone was paying attention to them. I noticed that if Summer got upset and started to cry, Brennan would try to make her laugh. If Brennan got upset, Summer would come and give him a hug. They had learned to comfort one another.
All 3 of my children were born with narcotics in their system. Jordan was actually born addicted to narcotics and spent 12 days in the hospital. Summer was born in a car on the way to the hospital. The biological mother could not be around the children because of her drug problem, so the children were placed in the care of their father. Jordan was put in Foster Care when he left the hospital because they weren't certain if he had the same biological father.
When Jordan was 7 months old they finally did a paternity test and determined he had the same father. At that time, Jordan was place in the home with his siblings and biological father. When the social worker came to do a follow-up about a month later, they determined that the biological father was not suitable for any of the children. That is how they came to be in my care.
Brennan (2.5 years)
Summer (19 months)
Jordan (8 months)
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Adoption Can Be Expensive!
After about 8 or 9 years of trying to conceive without any luck, my husband and I decided to start looking into adoption. It isn't impossible to have children with PCOS, but it can be more challenging. Many women with PCOS don't ovulate (myself included). There are fertility drugs, like Clomid, that can be taken, but most doctors won't give it to you until you are closer to a healthy body weight. I have had a very difficult time trying to lose weight. I've tried many diet and exercise programs without much success. I will usually lose about 25 pounds in the first couple of months, then my body figures out that I've made a change and I start gaining weight again.
I did Weight Watchers a few years back. I followed the program. I counted my points, measured and weighed my foods, made sure I got plenty of exercise, and drank lots of water. In the first couple of months I lost 24 pounds. I was so excited. I was really hopeful that it would work. About 3 months in, I just stopped losing weight. It is normal to reach a plateau when dieting. You are just supposed to stick with the program and eventually you will start losing weight again. The plateau may last a month or two. I waited 6 months and didn't lose any more weight. I finally gave up on Weight Watchers. I've found that what works best for me is to eat very little. I would probably benefit from weight-loss surgery, but my insurance won't cover it. I guess they would rather pay long-term for all of the illnesses related to obesity (diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, stroke, etc.) than pay out one time for weight-loss surgery. Makes sense, right?
Since I've not had much luck losing weight, fertility drugs weren't really an option for me. We started looking into private and international adoption. International adoption can cost over $30,000. Private adoption can cost over $10,000. My husband and I just didn't have those kind of financial resources at the time. We figured we would have to save for a few years before we could adopt.
My best friend's brother-in-law and his wife adopted two little girls. They adopted them through foster care. They said that they adoption fees are usually less than $1000 if you foster-to-adopt. The down side is that there are no guarantees. But there are no guarantees with any adoption arrangement.
I worked with someone who paid for a private adoption through a Catholic Church. A young, teen-aged couple was having a baby that they felt they couldn't keep. The parents picked my co-worker and his wife to adopt their child. Everything went well, initially. The baby was born, the adoptive family took the child home, everything was fine. They had agreed to give the biological parents updates on the child as part of the adoption. About two weeks after the baby was with the adoptive couple, his temperature dropped one evening. They took the baby to the children's hospital. After being monitored over night, the doctors said he was fine and sent him home. The biological parents were notified when the baby went to the hospital. That week, the biological parents decided they wanted to have a meeting with the adoptive parents. It was during that meeting that these teenagers told this couple they wanted their baby back. The adoption wasn't final yet. They had to give this baby that they had helped pay to be born, loved and cared for, back to these teenagers. Can you imagine the heartbreak?
Cameron and I decided the Foster-to-Adopt program was probably our best chance at having children. We weren't getting any younger, that's for sure. In October, 2009, we started doing the paperwork and taking training classes to become Foster Parents.
In May, 2010, I started having some issues with anxiety. Initially, I thought I was going to have a heart attack, but after many expensive tests, I learned there is nothing wrong with my heart. We delayed the Foster Care process until I got my anxiety under control.
In the beginning of 2012, we started the Foster Care process again. It takes 6 to 12 months to complete the training and get approved. In Kentucky, you have to take 30 hours of training, you have to complete LOTS of paperwork, and you have to have a couple of home studies before you can be approved to Foster.
I am incredibly impatient when I'm waiting for something to happen. So, this was almost torture for me.
On August 30, 2012, something miraculous happened! I was at work and my cell phone rang. It was my social worker. She told me she was signing the paperwork right at that moment to approve our home for Foster Care. She said she had some "kids" for us.
When we started the process, we decided we really wanted to adopt a baby or a toddler. We live in a small, 3 bedroom, 1 bath, ranch-style home. One of the bedrooms was being used as a den. We had converted the other bedroom into a child's room. The only thing we had was a baby bed that I bought from my sister when my niece outgrew it. We didn't know if we would get an infant or a toddler. But, we had only planned on 1 child.
I replied, "What do you mean by kids?"
She said, "We have 3 siblings. They are all little. The oldest is almost 3, there is a little girl who is 19 months, and the baby is 8 months."
I replied, "We only have one spare room."
She said, "They are all so little they can sleep in the same room."
I said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to my husband." She asked that I call her back and let her know.
I knew from the training that a lot of sibling groups get split up into different homes because most Foster Homes won't take groups of children. I called my husband and we talked about it for about 5 minutes. We both agreed that although this would be a huge challenge, maybe it was God's plan for us. We really didn't want these children to be separated from their siblings. I called the social worker back and told her we would do it. I asked when we would get the children (thinking it would be a few days).
She said, "I will drop them off at your home sometime this evening." Oh boy!
I called my husband and told him to leave work and go get my Dad's Suburban so we could go buy some beds. He left work and came to get me. We went straight to Walmart and started buying what we thought we would need. We bought bottles, diapers, 2 baby beds with mattresses, wipes, diaper cream, lotion, and baby wash. Just the basics of what we thought we would need. As we were loading the beds onto a cart to take them to the front to pay for them, my social worker called and said she was waiting in my driveway with the kids. What???
We rushed home. As I walked up to the social workers car, she opened the door of the back seat. Three blue-eyed babies looked over at me. My life changed forever starting that night.
I did Weight Watchers a few years back. I followed the program. I counted my points, measured and weighed my foods, made sure I got plenty of exercise, and drank lots of water. In the first couple of months I lost 24 pounds. I was so excited. I was really hopeful that it would work. About 3 months in, I just stopped losing weight. It is normal to reach a plateau when dieting. You are just supposed to stick with the program and eventually you will start losing weight again. The plateau may last a month or two. I waited 6 months and didn't lose any more weight. I finally gave up on Weight Watchers. I've found that what works best for me is to eat very little. I would probably benefit from weight-loss surgery, but my insurance won't cover it. I guess they would rather pay long-term for all of the illnesses related to obesity (diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, stroke, etc.) than pay out one time for weight-loss surgery. Makes sense, right?
Since I've not had much luck losing weight, fertility drugs weren't really an option for me. We started looking into private and international adoption. International adoption can cost over $30,000. Private adoption can cost over $10,000. My husband and I just didn't have those kind of financial resources at the time. We figured we would have to save for a few years before we could adopt.
My best friend's brother-in-law and his wife adopted two little girls. They adopted them through foster care. They said that they adoption fees are usually less than $1000 if you foster-to-adopt. The down side is that there are no guarantees. But there are no guarantees with any adoption arrangement.
I worked with someone who paid for a private adoption through a Catholic Church. A young, teen-aged couple was having a baby that they felt they couldn't keep. The parents picked my co-worker and his wife to adopt their child. Everything went well, initially. The baby was born, the adoptive family took the child home, everything was fine. They had agreed to give the biological parents updates on the child as part of the adoption. About two weeks after the baby was with the adoptive couple, his temperature dropped one evening. They took the baby to the children's hospital. After being monitored over night, the doctors said he was fine and sent him home. The biological parents were notified when the baby went to the hospital. That week, the biological parents decided they wanted to have a meeting with the adoptive parents. It was during that meeting that these teenagers told this couple they wanted their baby back. The adoption wasn't final yet. They had to give this baby that they had helped pay to be born, loved and cared for, back to these teenagers. Can you imagine the heartbreak?
Cameron and I decided the Foster-to-Adopt program was probably our best chance at having children. We weren't getting any younger, that's for sure. In October, 2009, we started doing the paperwork and taking training classes to become Foster Parents.
In May, 2010, I started having some issues with anxiety. Initially, I thought I was going to have a heart attack, but after many expensive tests, I learned there is nothing wrong with my heart. We delayed the Foster Care process until I got my anxiety under control.
In the beginning of 2012, we started the Foster Care process again. It takes 6 to 12 months to complete the training and get approved. In Kentucky, you have to take 30 hours of training, you have to complete LOTS of paperwork, and you have to have a couple of home studies before you can be approved to Foster.
I am incredibly impatient when I'm waiting for something to happen. So, this was almost torture for me.
On August 30, 2012, something miraculous happened! I was at work and my cell phone rang. It was my social worker. She told me she was signing the paperwork right at that moment to approve our home for Foster Care. She said she had some "kids" for us.
When we started the process, we decided we really wanted to adopt a baby or a toddler. We live in a small, 3 bedroom, 1 bath, ranch-style home. One of the bedrooms was being used as a den. We had converted the other bedroom into a child's room. The only thing we had was a baby bed that I bought from my sister when my niece outgrew it. We didn't know if we would get an infant or a toddler. But, we had only planned on 1 child.
I replied, "What do you mean by kids?"
She said, "We have 3 siblings. They are all little. The oldest is almost 3, there is a little girl who is 19 months, and the baby is 8 months."
I replied, "We only have one spare room."
She said, "They are all so little they can sleep in the same room."
I said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to my husband." She asked that I call her back and let her know.
I knew from the training that a lot of sibling groups get split up into different homes because most Foster Homes won't take groups of children. I called my husband and we talked about it for about 5 minutes. We both agreed that although this would be a huge challenge, maybe it was God's plan for us. We really didn't want these children to be separated from their siblings. I called the social worker back and told her we would do it. I asked when we would get the children (thinking it would be a few days).
She said, "I will drop them off at your home sometime this evening." Oh boy!
I called my husband and told him to leave work and go get my Dad's Suburban so we could go buy some beds. He left work and came to get me. We went straight to Walmart and started buying what we thought we would need. We bought bottles, diapers, 2 baby beds with mattresses, wipes, diaper cream, lotion, and baby wash. Just the basics of what we thought we would need. As we were loading the beds onto a cart to take them to the front to pay for them, my social worker called and said she was waiting in my driveway with the kids. What???
We rushed home. As I walked up to the social workers car, she opened the door of the back seat. Three blue-eyed babies looked over at me. My life changed forever starting that night.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Childhood is Carefree, Right?
In the past few months I've been teaching Sunday School to 4th and 5th graders on Sunday mornings. It's been a wonderful experience.
My journey to being a follower of Jesus has been an interesting one. My parents aren't religious. We did not attend church as a family when I was a child. Every now and then I would go to church with a cousin or a friend just because it seemed like a fun thing to do. When I was 8-years old I decided to get on a bus to a church I had never been to. I started going, by myself, pretty regularly. It was at that church that I was saved. Before I could schedule my Baptism, the church had a fire in the kitchen and was under renovation for a few months. We moved during that time and I stopped attending that church.
We moved around a lot when I was a kid. My parents had a job that travelled to a different city in the US for 6 months a year. From January to June, my parents lived in another city. Sometimes my sister and I would travel with my parents and sometimes we would stay in Louisville with one of my aunts. All of the moving around didn't allow for me to attend church on a regular basis.
I've believed in Jesus since I was a child, but I wasn't a "follower." There is a difference between just believing in Christ and following Christ. If you want to read up on this idea, I recommend the book "not a fan." by Kyle Idleman.
In 2001 I started reading the Bible regularly. In 2005, I started attending Southeast Christian Church (www.southeastchristian.org) with my best friends. In 2007, on Thanksgiving weekend, I was baptized in front of approximately 5000 people at my church. It was an amazing experience. Since that time, I have been trying to improve my relationship with Christ and trying to serve others in His name.
I'm not trying to tell you how to believe. I don't mind sharing my spiritual journey with others and I enjoy any conversations about it, but I don't push my faith on others. Your spiritual journey is your own. As long as your religious beliefs don't encourage violence, I'm okay with it. Of course, I hope and pray that you become a follower of Christ, but I believe Christ calls people to him.
I've always wanted to be more involved in my church, but the church I attended was 24 miles each way from my house. It wasn't feasible for me to go and do things there regularly. That is, until October 2014. They opened another campus to my church about 5 miles from my house (https://www.southeastchristian.org/southwest/). I was so excited to have the opportunity to volunteer on a regular basis.
Initially, I signed up to volunteer as a Decision Guide. A Decision Guide helps people with questions about faith in Christ, decisions to become a follower of Christ, or decisions to become a member of the church. My husband signed up to volunteer in the children's ministry. He thought having more experience with children would help him to be a better father.
They say God laughs when we make plans. Sometimes we fail to realize that God's plan for our lives is better than anything we could plan for ourselves. So, I thought I wanted to be a Decision Guide. It turns out, there were lots of people that wanted to be Decision Guides. They desperately needed more volunteers in the children's ministry. I decided to join my husband and help in the children's ministry (or I should say, God placed it on my heart to go where help was needed, not where I wanted to be).
My husband and I were assigned to teach the 4th and 5th Grade Bible Study. My husband had previous experience teaching Bible Study to teenagers, so we decided he should lead. It turns out, that wasn't part of God's plan. My husband is a very quiet guy. His voice has a very low tone. That tone is not exactly ideal for getting the attention of a bunch of 9- and 10-year olds. I, on the other hand, have no trouble commanding the attention of children. When I was in college, I worked in the YMCA Childcare Enrichment Program. I spent 2 years with children from the ages of 5 to 14 on a daily basis. I knew how to get their attention. The next weekend we were assigned to continue teaching the 4th and 5th graders. I took over the lead.
It has been an amazingly rewarding experience. It also can be very trying at times. What do you say to a child when they ask you what they should do because their parents are getting a divorce? What do you say when a child asks you why their little sister choked on a peanut when she was a year old and now she is mentally disabled and breathes on a respirator? What do you say to a child when they tell you a family member is dying? What do you say to a child when they tell you they were abused by their father, their mother is too sick to care for them, and now they have to live with their grandmother? What do you say to a child who worries if their mother is going to hell because she isn't a believer? What do you say to a child when they tell you they don't think their parents love them? These are all questions I've encountered in the last couple of months. It takes a lot of prayer and a lot of discernment to help them answer these questions.
I think sometimes we forget how difficult it is to be a child. We, as adults, know about what we consider to be "real" problems like; how are we going to pay the bills this month because we lost our jobs, how are we going to put food on the table for our children, how do I deal with a disease like PCOS, how do I tell my family I have cancer, and the list goes on. As adults, we have serious problems. Problems that affect others, not just ourselves.
We look at children and wish all we had to worry about was going to school and doing homework. We look at children and wish we had so few responsibilities and that all of the hard decisions were made by someone else. But to a child, their problems are just as big and just as important. Their problems can be all-consuming because they don't have the life experience to put things into perspective. They don't have the life experience to know that you can live through heartbreak, failure, disappointment, loss, and grief.
I spend a lot of my time refereeing between my 3 kids. My son, Brennan, is 5. My daughter, Summer, is 4. My son, Jordan, is 3. Everything is major to them. As a parent, you sometimes think, "Is it really a big deal that your sister is playing with your toy?" That's because, as an adult, we know that little sister will get bored eventually and put the toy down. But the child doesn't consider what has happened in the past and what will happen in the future. To them, what is important is RIGHT NOW. And RIGHT NOW is everything.
I'm not a perfect Mom. I get frustrated sometimes. I lose my temper. I pray every night for the Lord to help me to be a better mother. My children deserve that. Every child deserves that. My children started their lives with biological parents who had problems with drugs and alcohol. They started their lives being an inconvenience to their biological parents. Within one month of having them in my care as foster children, I knew I wanted to adopt them. I knew it wouldn't be an easy road, but it was a road I knew I needed to take. For them.
I need to remind myself how they started in life. I need to remind myself that they deserve all of my love and as much patience as I can give them.
All children need love, patience, and guidance. We need to strive to be better parents, better role models. The children watch everything we do and repeat those patterns in adulthood.
What kind of behaviors are you modeling for your children?
My journey to being a follower of Jesus has been an interesting one. My parents aren't religious. We did not attend church as a family when I was a child. Every now and then I would go to church with a cousin or a friend just because it seemed like a fun thing to do. When I was 8-years old I decided to get on a bus to a church I had never been to. I started going, by myself, pretty regularly. It was at that church that I was saved. Before I could schedule my Baptism, the church had a fire in the kitchen and was under renovation for a few months. We moved during that time and I stopped attending that church.
We moved around a lot when I was a kid. My parents had a job that travelled to a different city in the US for 6 months a year. From January to June, my parents lived in another city. Sometimes my sister and I would travel with my parents and sometimes we would stay in Louisville with one of my aunts. All of the moving around didn't allow for me to attend church on a regular basis.
I've believed in Jesus since I was a child, but I wasn't a "follower." There is a difference between just believing in Christ and following Christ. If you want to read up on this idea, I recommend the book "not a fan." by Kyle Idleman.
In 2001 I started reading the Bible regularly. In 2005, I started attending Southeast Christian Church (www.southeastchristian.org) with my best friends. In 2007, on Thanksgiving weekend, I was baptized in front of approximately 5000 people at my church. It was an amazing experience. Since that time, I have been trying to improve my relationship with Christ and trying to serve others in His name.
I'm not trying to tell you how to believe. I don't mind sharing my spiritual journey with others and I enjoy any conversations about it, but I don't push my faith on others. Your spiritual journey is your own. As long as your religious beliefs don't encourage violence, I'm okay with it. Of course, I hope and pray that you become a follower of Christ, but I believe Christ calls people to him.
I've always wanted to be more involved in my church, but the church I attended was 24 miles each way from my house. It wasn't feasible for me to go and do things there regularly. That is, until October 2014. They opened another campus to my church about 5 miles from my house (https://www.southeastchristian.org/southwest/). I was so excited to have the opportunity to volunteer on a regular basis.
Initially, I signed up to volunteer as a Decision Guide. A Decision Guide helps people with questions about faith in Christ, decisions to become a follower of Christ, or decisions to become a member of the church. My husband signed up to volunteer in the children's ministry. He thought having more experience with children would help him to be a better father.
They say God laughs when we make plans. Sometimes we fail to realize that God's plan for our lives is better than anything we could plan for ourselves. So, I thought I wanted to be a Decision Guide. It turns out, there were lots of people that wanted to be Decision Guides. They desperately needed more volunteers in the children's ministry. I decided to join my husband and help in the children's ministry (or I should say, God placed it on my heart to go where help was needed, not where I wanted to be).
My husband and I were assigned to teach the 4th and 5th Grade Bible Study. My husband had previous experience teaching Bible Study to teenagers, so we decided he should lead. It turns out, that wasn't part of God's plan. My husband is a very quiet guy. His voice has a very low tone. That tone is not exactly ideal for getting the attention of a bunch of 9- and 10-year olds. I, on the other hand, have no trouble commanding the attention of children. When I was in college, I worked in the YMCA Childcare Enrichment Program. I spent 2 years with children from the ages of 5 to 14 on a daily basis. I knew how to get their attention. The next weekend we were assigned to continue teaching the 4th and 5th graders. I took over the lead.
It has been an amazingly rewarding experience. It also can be very trying at times. What do you say to a child when they ask you what they should do because their parents are getting a divorce? What do you say when a child asks you why their little sister choked on a peanut when she was a year old and now she is mentally disabled and breathes on a respirator? What do you say to a child when they tell you a family member is dying? What do you say to a child when they tell you they were abused by their father, their mother is too sick to care for them, and now they have to live with their grandmother? What do you say to a child who worries if their mother is going to hell because she isn't a believer? What do you say to a child when they tell you they don't think their parents love them? These are all questions I've encountered in the last couple of months. It takes a lot of prayer and a lot of discernment to help them answer these questions.
I think sometimes we forget how difficult it is to be a child. We, as adults, know about what we consider to be "real" problems like; how are we going to pay the bills this month because we lost our jobs, how are we going to put food on the table for our children, how do I deal with a disease like PCOS, how do I tell my family I have cancer, and the list goes on. As adults, we have serious problems. Problems that affect others, not just ourselves.
We look at children and wish all we had to worry about was going to school and doing homework. We look at children and wish we had so few responsibilities and that all of the hard decisions were made by someone else. But to a child, their problems are just as big and just as important. Their problems can be all-consuming because they don't have the life experience to put things into perspective. They don't have the life experience to know that you can live through heartbreak, failure, disappointment, loss, and grief.
I spend a lot of my time refereeing between my 3 kids. My son, Brennan, is 5. My daughter, Summer, is 4. My son, Jordan, is 3. Everything is major to them. As a parent, you sometimes think, "Is it really a big deal that your sister is playing with your toy?" That's because, as an adult, we know that little sister will get bored eventually and put the toy down. But the child doesn't consider what has happened in the past and what will happen in the future. To them, what is important is RIGHT NOW. And RIGHT NOW is everything.
I'm not a perfect Mom. I get frustrated sometimes. I lose my temper. I pray every night for the Lord to help me to be a better mother. My children deserve that. Every child deserves that. My children started their lives with biological parents who had problems with drugs and alcohol. They started their lives being an inconvenience to their biological parents. Within one month of having them in my care as foster children, I knew I wanted to adopt them. I knew it wouldn't be an easy road, but it was a road I knew I needed to take. For them.
I need to remind myself how they started in life. I need to remind myself that they deserve all of my love and as much patience as I can give them.
All children need love, patience, and guidance. We need to strive to be better parents, better role models. The children watch everything we do and repeat those patterns in adulthood.
What kind of behaviors are you modeling for your children?
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