Some People Just Don't Get It

My best friend and I took our kids to the zoo.  Her daughters are 8 and 5.  My children are 5, 4, and 3.  Both of us have children with Special Needs.  Her eldest daughter has Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Anxiety, and some other issues that have yet to be diagnosed.  My eldest son has ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Impulse Control Disorder, and Anxiety.  Both of our kids are perfectly normal looking children.  Although they look normal, they do not behave like normal children.

We had just arrived at the zoo and the children were really excited.  They would rush from one animal exhibit to the next.  I kept reminding them to use their manners, say excuse me, wait their turn, etc.  The same thing all normal parents do.

We were in the Herpaquarium (snakes, tortoises, etc.) at The Louisville Zoo.  They were so excited that they would just hop from aquarium to aquarium to see what exciting animal was next.  Despite my constant reminders to use their manners, they were overly excited and would occasionally step in front of someone.  There was a lady who took offense to my overly-excited toddlers.  In a very sarcastic tone, she said to my children, "Excuse me!  My son was here first.  Step aside and wait your turn!"

My Mommy instincts kicked in, and I said to her, "They are just kids.  They are excited." 

She turned to me and said, "Well, my son is 7 and he knows to wait in line and say excuse me.  Just because they are toddlers doesn't mean they can't learn manners."

I said, "Well, my children are just toddlers and they are excited to be at the zoo.  I've told them to use their manners, but in the excitement of the moment they forget."

She said, "Well, MY son didn't behave like that when he was a toddler."

I said, "Well, does your son have ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, and Impulse Control Disorder?"

Her excellent response was, "That's just an excuse."

I replied, "It absolutely is not just an excuse.  It's a reality."  Then I left before I really lost my cool.  I'm not a violent person, but I really wanted to smack that lady.

Let me explain something to everyone reading my Blog.  ADHD, SPD, and ICD are not just excuses for misbehavior.  I've worked with Special Needs children before and in most cases it may be obvious that the child has Special Needs because they may have visible disabilities.  When you have a child with emotional disorders, it's not always obvious.

My son looks like a normal child, but he isn't.  When he is an environment where he becomes over-stimulated or over-excited (like the zoo or a birthday party), it doesn't matter how many times you remind him to use his manners or wait his turn.  Most of the time, he isn't going to do it.

I was so infuriated by this woman.  Then I realized that she just doesn't get it.  Most people don't.  Until you have a child with Special Needs, you just don't get it.  Most people see a child behaving like my son and think, "He needs a time-out" or "He just needs a spanking."  Unfortunately, most punishments don't work for my son.  It doesn't matter how many times or how many ways he is punished for bad behavior or rewarded for good behavior, odds are he will be repeating the bad behavior within moments of having just received punishment for it. 

So, to the lady at the zoo and everyone else out there who thinks that emotional disorders like ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Impulse Control Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Anxiety, and other similar issues are just an excuse for bad behavior, YOU ARE SO WRONG!

If you spent one week with my son, you would understand.  It is beyond stressful to have a child with invisible illnesses.  I'm not a bad parent.  I may not be perfect, but I do my very best.  I do teach my children manners.  I had worked with Special Needs children at a daycare when I was in college so I thought I was prepared.  I was so wrong.  My heart goes out to every parent of a Special Needs child.  It is the most difficult experience of my life.  I love my son very much, but I pray that someday he will be free of these disorders, for his sake, and for mine.

My 3-year old will always say, "Please, Thank You, and Excuse Me."  However, in the excitement of the zoo environment, he may jump in front of someone else.  He isn't a rude child.  He's a toddler. 

In the excitement of the zoo environment, my 5-year old may forget to wait his turn or say, "Excuse me."  It's not because I haven't taught him manners.  It is simply because during those moments of excitement, his brain cannot process the stimuli around him.  Many times you can look at him and tell that he is zoned out.  His nervous system literally shuts out all of the external inputs around him until they can be processed.  If it is noisy, crowded, or just really exciting, he may not even hear me calling his name.  In those moments, I have to pull him away from all of the stimuli, kneel down in front of him, and then talk to him. 

Before you say that these emotional disorders are "Just an excuse", educate yourself.  Until you have a child like this, you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.

Rant over.