The truth is there is no such thing as a perfect mother. Television shows in the 1950s and 1960s showed you these perfect families with almost perfect children, although sometimes a bit mischievous which only made them more adorable, and perfect marriages. What they didn't show was Mommy sneaking into another room to have a treat she didn't want to share with the kids. What they didn't show was Mommy answering the question, "Why" for the millionth time. What they didn't show was Mommy locking herself in the bathroom to have a cry break. What they didn't show you was Mommy sitting on the potty while little hands slide under the door with children yelling, "Mommy, what are you doing?" as though the answer isn't obvious. What they didn't show was Mommy repeating the same phrases over, and over, and over every day:
"Get dressed."
"Hurry up!"
"Pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper."
"Clean your room."
"Stop!"
"No!"
"Don't do that!"
"You're making a mess!"
"Eat your dinner and stop playing with your food."
The list goes on and on.
The most important thing they didn't show in those television shows was Mommy finally losing her temper and yelling at her kids.
I thought I knew everything about being a Mommy. I thought I could handle any situation that came at me with the patience and virtue of June Cleaver.
I was so wrong.
I try so hard to be a good mother. I try to be patient, loving, caring, kind, generous, and all of those things I dreamed when I was a teenager thinking about my future as a mother. I can remember thinking that my Mom, although she had her good qualities, was doing a lot of things wrong. I can remember the biggest promise I made to myself when I became a mother was if my child asked me, "Why?" that I would NEVER say, "Because I told you so!" I would get so frustrated and angry when my Mother would say that to me. Why couldn't she just give me a reason? Was it so hard to explain why I couldn't do something? It seemed simple to me.
Now that I'm a parent I realize the reasons why she sometimes said, "Because I said so!" The reasons are many. Sometimes it's because the explanation is long and complicated and saying, "Because I said so" saves time. Sometimes it's because the explanation is only going to require another follow-up "Why" from my child. Sometimes it's because you are so frustrated that it is the only response you can think of at the moment.
Every morning I play this "game" with my son, Brennan. Brennan is 5-years old. He has ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, and Impulse Control Disorder. I don't consider it a game, but before Brennan has had his ADHD medication, everything is a game to him. He is so unable to focus on anything so everything becomes play time. Here is how the game begins:
It's morning on a weekday sometime between 7 and 8 am. Brennan wakes up. He starts talking and/or playing in his bed all the while getting louder and louder in attempts to wake up his sister, Summer (4). I have video monitors in the children's rooms. I'm a very light sleeper and I immediately hear Brennan starting up his morning routine. I speak over the monitor to him, "Brennan, please be quiet and lay still. Your sister is sleeping. When the lights are off, that means it is quiet time." Maybe he will stop for a minute or two or maybe he will completely ignore me.
Again, I say, "Brennan, lay still and be quiet. What is the rule when the lights are off?"
Brennan replies, "Lay still and be quiet."
I respond, "Then please follow the rule."
This will continue with many more reminders for Brennan to be quiet until it is time for he and his sister to get up and get ready for school. Then we begin a new game.
"Brennan, take off your pajamas and put on your school clothes." He is usually too busy playing with and aggravating his sister to comply with my orders.
"Brennan, take off your pajamas and put on your school clothes! Mommy is getting angry. What is going to happen if Mommy gets angry?"
Brennan replies, "I lose my TV and tablet time."
I respond, "Well, is that what you want to happen?"
Brennan says, "No."
I reply, "Well, get dressed then." This routine continues until he finally gets dressed and goes to sit in the living room. All told, this routine usually takes 20 to 30 minutes. It's no fun for Mommy and usually results in Brennan losing his TV and tablet time.
Some may ask why I don't give him his ADHD medication as soon as he wakes up? That's a good question with a good answer. If I give him his medication before 9 am, it wears off before the end of the school day and he will end up getting in trouble or even being sent home from school. So, I have to deal with the frustration of dealing with my easily-distracted, overly-hyper son who has no impulse control. This is not a game I enjoy.
Sometimes I lose my temper and I yell at him. Deep down I know that he can't always stop what he is doing. He's only 5 and his reasoning skills aren't the greatest. He understands that he will be punished in some way if he continues his behavior, but punishment doesn't mean anything to him at that time. It's an abstract concept to him until it is actually happening. That moment when you send him to time out or tell him he can't watch his favorite cartoon, that is when it means something. It's too late then. The disobedience has already occurred and the threats of this punishment usually don't deter the behavior.
Of course, on those days when I lose my temper and I yell, I feel awful. I don't want to be that parent. I don't want to yell at my children. However, when you have said the same thing to your child no less than 10 times in the matter of a few moments, you sometimes lose your cool. It's especially difficult for me on those days when my hormones are raging out of control due to my PCOS. It takes every rational thought I have to control my temper on those days. Sometimes I overcome the hormones and keep my cool. Sometimes the hormones win and I yell at my son. I immediately feel awful for doing it and normally I will apologize to him for yelling.
It's especially frustrating when more than one of my children are misbehaving. My youngest son, Jordan, is going through the Terrible Threes. (FYI - The "Terrible Twos" are a myth. It's the Threes you have to watch out for. It's a total nightmare some days. You will hear "Why" repeated after every statement you make. Then they will say things like, "Get off me!", "I don't want to!", "I do it myself!", and of course, their favorite, "No!")
My daughter is going through a phase of lying. It doesn't matter if you assure her she won't get in trouble if she tells the truth, she will still lie. If I ask her four or five times, usually the fourth or fifth time she will finally tell the truth. One day she will figure out that Mommy already knows the truth of what happened and lying only causes her more trouble. I don't think her reasoning skills are up to par for that yet. Brennan, on the other hand, is incapable of lying. If you ask Brennan a question, he will tell you the truth, unless he is going to get in trouble. If he is guilty, he will immediately bow his head and put his fingers in his mouth. I hope he doesn't have any aspirations of being a poker player.
My daughter is also going through a "I'm too busy playing to go to the potty" phase and a "I can't be bothered to take the time to wipe my bottom after pooping" phase.
These are frustrating times in my household.
I wish I could ALWAYS control my temper. I wish I always knew the right thing to say or do, but the truth is being a Mommy is the MOST difficult job I have ever had.
With all of the frustration, there also comes daily hilarity. Kids say and do the funniest things. I've learned to take the good with the bad.
I knew parenting was going to be a difficult job. I just never realized how difficult. I'm responsible for the well-being of three tiny humans. Every day revolves around them right now. I'm trying to teach them manners, responsibility, good hygiene, respect, and morality. It's a tremendous responsibility. I have to make sure they eat healthy meals, exercise, get plenty of rest, do their homework, and clean-up after themselves. I have to make sure they have clean clothes every day. I have to make sure they get their baths, brush their teeth, and comb their hair. I have to keep track of doctor appointments, dentist appointments, physicals, t-ball practice, dance classes, and school functions. There is a lot that goes into being a Mommy.
It may be the most difficult job I've ever had, but it is also the GREATEST BLESSING I have ever received. Even though there are days I fail majorly at my dream of being June Cleaver, my children are told every day that they are loved. If I fail at everything else, my children will always know they are loved.
They are well-loved, well-fed, clean, and healthy children. They may not have everything they want in this world. They may not have June Cleaver as their mom, but they have a Mommy and Daddy that love them to the moon and back.
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