When I was 15, my Sophomore year in high school, I went through a horrible depression. I felt very alone. When I went to school or when I was with my family, I would pretend that everything was okay. No one saw what was really going on. No one saw how I would look in the mirror, hating my reflection, and cry for hours. No one saw me sitting with a knife to my wrist just wishing I had the courage to actually act on the thoughts of suicide running through my head. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of despair. It was such a terrible time for me. Then one day I woke up and decided I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I was just starting my Junior year in high school. I now know that I didn't just decide to start feeling better and it happened, something chemically changed in my brain and the depression went away.
When I was 21, I went through another period of depression that lasted a few months, but not nearly as severe. I wasn't suicidal, I just didn't want to do anything. I sat around and watched TV all day and did nothing.
Fortunately, I have not suffered any severe bouts of depression since that time.
I have, however, had problems with anxiety.
In February of 2011, I was at work doing routine things, when all of a sudden I got so dizzy that I thought I was going to pass out. Then my arms started tingling and my palms started sweating. I had to call my husband to come and get me from work. The next day I went to the doctor and she told me I had a middle-ear infection and prescribed antibiotics. I took my antibiotics and everything seemed to be fine. A week later I was sitting with my husband watching a basketball game on a Friday night. I started having the dizzy spells, tingling, and sweating again. Plus, I was feeling a tightness in my chest and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I tried to ignore the symptoms, but it wouldn't let up. I got concerned that perhaps I was having a heart attack, so I had my husband take me to the emergency room. They did an EKG and a CT scan of my head and they didn't see anything. The doctor said that I probably had vertigo and prescribed Dramamine. I continued to have these dizzy spells on and off so I just kept taking the Dramamine. This went on for a few months. I was beginning to suspect that I was having anxiety attacks, but since I had never experienced anything like this before, I really wasn't sure.
In August of that same year I started having the dizzy spells, tingling, and sweating more frequently, but I just tried to ignore the symptoms. One day I was driving home from work and the dizziness hit me so hard that I thought I was going to pass out. I pulled into a parking lot and called my Mom so someone would know where I was if I actually passed out. Then the tingling arms and sweaty palms started. I also got a tightness in my chest and started having chest pains. Once I got a little less dizzy, I drove to pick-up my husband at work and I had him drive me straight to the ER. They did another EKG and a chest x-ray, but they didn't see anything. They decided to admit me so they could monitor my heart overnight. I spent a very uncomfortable night in the hospital being monitored, trying to eat terrible hospital food, and having my blood drawn every few hours. The next morning I had a consultation with a cardiologist. He said he thought I was having anxiety attacks, but he wanted to be absolutely sure to rule out any underlying heart condition. So, I had an echo cardiogram, wore a halter monitor for 24 hours, and had a PET scan. After all those expensive tests, my cardiologist determined that there is nothing wrong with my heart and I had developed an anxiety disorder.
This was a very strange turn of events for me. I'm a very calm person by nature. It feels like such a betrayal by my body when all of a sudden I'm scared out of my mind, dizzy, sweaty, tingling, and thinking I'm going to die. It makes absolutely no sense. I could just be sitting there reading a book and everything is fine and the next minute I'm having an anxiety attack.
Sometimes I would just have visions of terrible things happening. I would be walking down a couple of stairs and envision slipping and breaking my leg or bashing my head open. Everyday tasks became daunting because I would fear getting hurt or falling. I would also fear being alone. If I started having an anxiety attack, I didn't want to be alone for fear that something would happen to me and there would be no one there to help me. I also had a fear of embarrassment because of passing out or evening dying in public. Obviously, I can't be embarrassed if I'm dead, but it didn't stop the thoughts from passing through my head.
Even when I wasn't having an anxiety attack, it felt like my bones were being rattled all of the time. You know how you feel when you get really gold and get the chills? Well, that's how I felt every minute of the day. It was very disconcerting.
My PCP told me anxiety can be brought on by hormone fluctuations due to my PCOS. I was so dismayed by the recent turn of events. I kept saying to my doctor, "It just doesn't make sense. I don't get worked up over things like this. I'm a very calm person."
She replied, "Sweetheart, you can't rationalize your way out of anxiety. It just won't work." She prescribed Paxil and Xanax. I take a 20 mg Paxil every day and a half a Xanax as needed for breakthrough anxiety attacks. It took a while before I could function normally and my bones didn't feel like they were being rattled. I still may have a breakthrough anxiety attack when I get very tired, but its nothing that a half a Xanax can't handle.
I hate that I have to be medicated to function, but I know I'm not alone. There are millions of people out there who suffer from anxiety disorders.
It's so hard to describe to people who don't suffer from anxiety or depression. Until you have lived through it, you can't possibly understand it. You can describe it to someone, but it isn't the same.
I know that my husband would get frustrated from time to time when I would be in the midst of an anxiety attack. He would tell me, "You're fine. Just calm down."
Just an FYI to those who don't suffer from anxiety, telling us to calm down won't work. It will only frustrate us. Don't you think if we could make the anxiety go away, we would? We want to calm down. We want to feel normal.
I feel very blessed that my medicine is able to control my anxiety. Some people aren't so fortunate. They try medication after medication and nothing seems to control the symptoms entirely. If you are one of those unfortunate people, just hang in there. One day, something will work.
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