Pregnancy Tests

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't see a woman in one of my PCOS Support Groups post a photo of an obviously negative pregnancy test with the caption, "Does anyone see a line?"  Someone from the outside looking in would probably think, "Is she blind?"  However, I have been the woman holding that pregnancy test, hoping against hope to see a faint line on that pregnancy test.  This is just one of the realities of having PCOS and trying to have a baby.

On February 14, 2000, my husband and I decided it was time to start a family.  We had been married for 2 years (it was our anniversary), we were renting a 2-bedroom house across the street from my parents, we had steady jobs, and we were financially stable.  It seemed like an ideal time to start a family.  I stopped taking my birth control that evening.

I've always had irregular periods so it was difficult to know if/when I was pregnant.  In May of 2000, something odd started to happen.  My nipples were itching like crazy, every day, all day.  I didn't make the connection to pregnancy.  I just thought it was dry skin, so I would liberally apply lotion multiple times a day.  It didn't really help the itching though.

One day I was at work and I was about to pick-up a large box full of lawnmower parts.  My subconscious said to me, "Don't pick up that heavy box, you're pregnant."  I stopped dead in my tracks.  Where the heck did that come from?  And was it true?

On my way home from work that day I stopped at the drug store and bought a pregnancy test.  I took the test and it was positive.  We were so excited.

Two weeks later I was at work and it felt like I had started my period.  I went to the restroom and I was bleeding.  My husband took me to the hospital and they told me I was probably having a miscarriage, but they wouldn't know for sure until they tested my hormone levels the following morning.  I went in the next morning to give blood.  A few hours later, my OBGYN called to tell me I was having a miscarriage.  It was the most devastating experience of my life.

My husband and I continued to try to get pregnant, even after my PCOS diagnosis in 2001.  I know exactly what these ladies in my support group are going through.  I kept my medicine cabinet stocked with a pregnancy test (or 2) at all times.  My periods were never regular, so if I went more than a month without a period, I would take a test.

I would always take it first thing in the morning as that is when the HCG hormone level will be the highest.  I would take the test and try not to look at it during those 2 minutes you are supposed to wait.  I would try to keep myself from hoping that I would see 2 lines, but I usually failed.  That hope would still be there.  Finally, I would look at the test.  1 line.  Always 1 line.  Every couple of months it would be the same thing.  The hope, the fear, and then that 1 damned line on that pregnancy test.  I continued this torturous routine for 9 years.  Finally, I realized that pregnancy was just not in the cards for me.  I decided adoption would probably be my best opportunity to become a mother.

There were several times over the past years that family or friends would know someone that was considering giving their child up for adoption and would mention it to me.  I would begin getting my hopes up and then it would fall through. 

Trying to have kids with PCOS, whether through birth or adoption, is always a roller coaster.  Many women get frustrated, depressed, or angry at the world.  I would always get sad if I had to walk through the children's department at a store.  I would get angry when I would see irresponsible people having baby after baby, or when I think about all of the babies being aborted in this country every day (approximately 3000 babies are murdered each day in the U.S.), while my husband and I had no child in our arms.  Our child would be loved and cared for and not considered an inconvenience. 

We were finally able to adopt 3 beautiful children from Foster Care last year.  It was a 14-year journey for us to become parents.  There were many times I was scared motherhood would never happen for me.  I just kept praying and had faith that being a mother was part of God's plan for my life.  I just knew in my soul that I was meant to be a mother.  I was right.  It just took longer than I ever thought it would.     

So, to all of my Cysters out there struggling with infertility:  have faith, keep praying, and keep trying.  I know it's scary, frustrating, depressing, and you hate seeing 1 line on that pregnancy test.  I know all of these things.  I've experienced all of these things.  However, I never gave up.  Neither should you.