I Forgot To Tell You The Worst Part

In my last post I was discussing my miscarriage.  One would think that is about as bad as it gets, but no, it got worse.  Remember how I said my co-worker was also pregnant?  Well, I got to watch her have a healthy, full-term pregnancy and give birth to a beautiful baby girl the same week I would have had my baby.  Sometimes life slaps you in the face.

Don't get me wrong.  I didn't hate her or begrudge her for having a baby when I didn't.  A lot of women who struggle with infertility also struggle with jealousy and anger at others who can have what they can't.  Honestly, the only thing that upset me was when I would see irresponsible people have unplanned children and then not take care of them.

I was really excited when I found out my sister was pregnant in 2002.  My sister had a miscarriage when she was younger.  We were excited and weary at the same time.  When she went in for her 5 month check-up, her doctor said her cervix was thinning.  He said they would check it again the next month.  When she went in for her 6 month check-up, her cervix was beginning to dilate.  They put her in the hospital immediately, turned her on her head and began giving her antibiotics and magnesium to prevent contractions.  She had a bad reaction to the magnesium and couldn't breathe.  She still ended up getting an infection and they had to do an emergency c-section at 24 weeks gestation.  My niece, Alexis, weighed about a pound when she was born.  Her lungs weren't developed enough and she only lived for 3 days.  It was a heartbreaking experience for my entire family.

My sister got pregnant again in 2004.  Her doctor said she had a weak cervix, so at 12 weeks gestation, she had a cerclage to keep her cervix closed.  My nephew, Connor, was delivered in March 2005 via c-section at 39 weeks gestation.  He is now a healthy, happy, sports-obsessed, 9-year old.

My sister had another baby in 2008.  My niece, Raelee, was also delivered via c-section.  I love them both so much.  I was never anything but happy for my sister.

My best friend also has 2 daughters.  She and her husband initially hadn't planned on having children, but after a scare with a fibroid tumor in her uterus, they changed their minds.  Initially, they didn't know if the tumor was cancerous.  If it was cancerous, they might have had to do a hysterectomy.  Your opinion on motherhood changes when it isn't even an option for you anymore.  They were able to remove the tumor with surgery and medication.  Now she has 2 beautiful little girls.

My best friend was hesitant to tell me when she was pregnant for the 2nd time because she was worried about how I would feel.  I was still struggling to get pregnant.  She needn't have worried.  I was completely happy and excited for her.

I was just sad for me.