PCOS - Good Days and Bad Days

I've decided not to preface my posts with "My Story."  It's kind of a silly thing to do.  I mean, the Blog is called "Diary of a PCOS Mommy," so obviously the whole thing is my story.  Sometimes things don't occur to you until later.

I also don't want everyone to think PCOS is a total drag (it kind of is a big drag, but there are many good days in my life).  Yes, this Syndrome is a complete nightmare for most of us, but it doesn't prevent us from leading happy lives.  Sometimes you have to choose to rise above the thing that ails you.  I will get around to telling you about many of the blessings in my life.  I can sum up a couple of them for you now.  My husband, my children, my family, and my friends are amazing blessings in my life for which I am eternally grateful to God.  I will tell you more about all of them.

But today, I need to talk about some of the downfalls of PCOS because they've been an issue for me the last couple of weeks.

PCOS greatly affects my hormone balances.  I used to have very irregular periods.  I would have a period one month then skip three or four months.  I never knew from month to month if Aunt Flow (AF) would appear.  In 2013, I got really sick.  The kids kept bringing home virus after virus from daycare.  Then I kept catching every one of them, despite washing my hands so frequently that they would crack and bleed from my skin being so dry.  In February 2013, I ended up with pneumonia.  I had absolutely no appetite.  I ate nothing but crackers for about 2 weeks.  I lost 30 pounds during that time.

Those 30 pounds kicked AF into high gear and now I get a period every month (this would have been helpful when I was trying to conceive, but now it is just a nuisance).  About a week before my period, my hormones go crazy.  My skin gets really oily and breaks out like I'm 15 years old.  My pores literally spew oil and I have to clean my glasses every few hours to remove the oil on my lenses.  I also get hormonal rages and depressions.  I can get really angry over nothing or I can cry all day over nothing.  It's a lot of fun. 

A couple of months ago I woke up sad and couldn't stop crying.  I kept having to go into the kitchen and sit at the table and cry.  I didn't want the kids to see me crying and get upset.  There was no particular issue that I was crying over.  I was just inconsolably sad.  I was supposed to take my son to the doctor that afternoon, but I just couldn't pull myself together despite my best efforts.  I finally had to call my husband at work.  Here is how the conversation went:

Me:  "Can you come home from work early?"
Cameron:  "Why?"
Me:  (As I bust into sobs)  "I can't stop crying!"
Cameron:  "That's weird."
Me:  "I know.  I just can't stop.  There is nothing wrong in particular.  I just can't stop crying."
Cameron:  "Okay.  I'll be home in a few minutes."

Cameron doesn't always understand what's happening with me, but he tries to help me the best he can during those weird and confusing times when I can't get it together.

Last week I had my period.  The week before that I was angry about nothing for a few days here and there.  My face had a horrible breakout.  Probably the worst it has been in several years.  My period ended last Friday, but my face was still really broken out.  It's been awful. 

Thursday night there was a lot of tension between Cameron and I.  Nothing major, just minor disagreements.  We don't usually fight anyway.  We just have discussions.  We just weren't having the best night.  And I started feeling very unloved over nothing.  I felt hideous and I looked hideous. 

Thursday night I had a dream that my grandmother (who passed away in 2001) was cooking dinner for my family.  She wanted to serve dinner in these silver serving bowls that were really dusty because they hadn't been used in forever.  I was washing them and I just couldn't get all of the dust off despite my best scrubbing.  When I finally got them clean, she had died.  I was crying in my dream and crying in my sleep.  I woke up even sadder than I was before I went to bed.

I spent most of yesterday feeling really sad and really ugly.  PCOS can really destroy your self-esteem sometimes.  When my husband got home from work, I needed a little reassurance that he loved me.

Me:  "Do you love me?"
Cameron:  "Yes, I love you?"
Me:  "Do you think I'm pretty?  Or at least sometimes I'm pretty?  Today I look hideous."
Cameron:  "I always think you're pretty."

Ladies, this is why it is so important to marry the right guy.  You need someone who is going to encourage you and build you up when you are feeling down.  Cameron doesn't always understand what is going on with me or why I do the things I do, but he always supports me.

Last night my niece came over and colored and cut my hair.  After I had a hot shower and shaved my legs, I felt much better.  My face still looks like crap, but at least I'm not hairy. 

I was craving a Big Mac something awful.  I don't eat out much, and I very rarely eat fast food.  But once in a while I will have a food craving that just won't go away.  Sometimes having PCOS is like being pregnant without the joy of having a child growing inside you.  I get nausea, headaches, food cravings, hormone imbalances, and other pregnancy-like symptoms, but no baby. 

Last night I just couldn't get the craving for a Big Mac out of my head.  Nothing else sounded good.  I have a weird quirk about food.  If I am craving something particular, nothing else will satisfy me.  I will go hungry before I can eat something I don't want.  It's a weird quirk that I've had for many years.  If I try to eat something I don't want, regardless of how hungry I am, it will make me throw up. 

Here is how you know you have a good man.  My husband had showered and had his pajamas on.  I told him I was craving a Big Mac.  He got dressed at 10:30 pm last night and went to McDonald's to get me a Big Mac.  I love him so much!  By the way, it tasted as good as I thought it would.

The moral of this story is twofold:  1)  PCOS will make you crazy, hormonal, and destroy your self-esteem at times.  2)  Make sure you pick a partner that support you during those times.  You are going to need it.